My 18th birthday (fear)
I don't really know why I'm writing this or why I'm posting it here. I feel it's good for me to get my thoughts down, info-dumped or otherwise. So here it is: I'm afraid of my 18th birthday.
As a small child and still to this day, I loved my birthday. Something about growing older or becoming a "big kid" or "grown up" in a sense. There was a feeling of anticipation and excitement, not to say that I don't experience those happy feelings on my birthday. But now, as I approach "adulthood" (in the legal sense), I feel more anxiety and dread than happiness. (My birthday isn't for a few months, so I still have time to overthink and panic.)
It almost feels like I'm experiencing some sort of crisis. As I see others in my life turn 18, I'm reminded of my own eventual birthday. Hell, a close friend of mine turned 18 about three days ago! And it's always the same. 'I'm an adult now. Oh, you're still seventeen? Your birthday isn't for some time, but just you wait! Aren't you excited?'
The whole thing feels conflicting. I know adults who talk about how awesome it is to be an adult, or about the newfound sense of freedom I'll have. In contrast, I also know adults who miss their childhood because the responsibilities of being an adult overwhelm them.
I feel trapped and stuck. At 15, I became more aware of a realization I've had for a long time: Life is chronically overwhelming. On the one hand, I want to stay a child. I've been a child all my life. It's the only way I know how to live. The only responsibilities I've ever had to worry about are my academic responsibilities. I'm used to not having other responsibilities or obligations. On the other hand, I just want to grow up already and get this whole thing over with. I know that's a terrible thing to think. I can't really see adulthood as more than something to "get through". I'm generally a pessimist and right now I can't really see any of the excitement in growing older. Obviously adulthood has its benefits and isn't as terrible as I think it will be. It's probably just my anxiety talking. I know there's no use in fearing the inevitable. I'm going to turn 18 whether I like it or not. But regardless, I'm still afraid.
If nothing else, I am happy I could get my thoughts down somewhere. I feel better now that I've written this.
#My writing #little lady talks #little lady stuff #My stuff #Personal stuff #Vent kinda #Info-dump #Don't mind me